I made it through the funeral and memorial service as best as I could but the next few weeks were the hardest. I couldn't face the thought of jumping right back into reality. There were things that needed to get done and places I needed to go but I was having a really hard time doing them. Most days I just cried and wanted to stay in bed. My stomach was upset and I didn't want to eat. All I wanted was for the pain to go away and have my grandma back.
One thing I struggled with was the fact that I didn't want to be social at all. It just hurt too much. People asking me how I was and telling me they are sorry for me loss and that they were praying for me. I felt so fake. I would just tell them that I was fine or hanging in there. I even faked it at church. One Sunday I told a friend that I felt like a fake Christian. I acted like I was fine when inside I was torn apart. Sometimes I just wanted to scream at people saying "how do you think I am? my grandma just died." I know they only meant well but that didn't make me feel any better.
There were times that I was angry and overwhelmed. Times where I cried out to God saying how much more of this do I have to take. Why did she have to die? I never got to say to goodbye. I felt like my life was shattered and broken in a million tiny pieces. I felt weak and realized that I wasn't strong. Usually I have been the strong one and there for everyone else and now I needed them to be there for me. I was blessed by having very close friends that I could tell how I really felt. They listened to me and helped me a lot.
Jordyn for one has been through so much with me over the last year and has stood by me. She helped me and reminded me just how strong a person I was when I felt like I was falling part. All the texts I sent her she blessed me with her encouraging words and prayers. All the late night skype calls when I needed to talk and vent she was there. Even if that meant her staying up after working all day she was there. She's an awesome friend.
Amber one of my sweet sisters took time out of her busy day of school to call and pray with me before the burial of my grandma. She may never know just how much that meant to me. Just hearing her sweet voice and knowing she cared. All the encouragement and text messages and just reminding me that God has me in His loving arms. I do believe that God brought her back into my life at just the right time for a reason. She may never realize just how much God used her to help me through this difficult time.
Summer my other sweet sister for the encouragement, prayers, and texts. Her sweet and loving spirit meant the world to me. The Sunday before my grandma passed away we were at church together and I went to pray. Next thing I know she was right beside me giving me the greatest hug and telling me that I wasn't alone. That was the sweetest thing and really touched me. I love the text messages she sent me just to show she cares and loves me. God knew I needed this girl in my life at just the right time. She has been a huge blessing to me during what I have called my darkest times.
We recently had to go through her house and pack things up because we sold it. It was really hard. I cried a lot during those three days. Seeing all her stuff and being in her house brought back so many memories. I could picture her being there and the things we use to do together. Realizing that I will never get to do things with her there again. Never get to just sit in her living room and just talk. Never get to bake cookies together again. Never be able to watch movies and eat chocolate. Never being able to play my guitar and sing for her. It was really hard being there. Since I never got to say goodbye, the last day after we had emptied the house I took my guitar and just sang. It was really hard for me but I felt it was something I had to do. It was part of my healing process. My way of saying I love you Nanna. I will always remember the good times we had as well as the bad ones.
What I learned through all of this is that it takes time to heal. Two and a half months later I have to say I am much better than I was but there's still a lot of healing to go. God really showed me that with Him I will make it through this. Now that doesn't mean I don't still miss my grandma and that the pain has gone away. What it does mean is that while I still have pain and miss her, life goes on and that's what my grandma would've wanted. She would want me to live life for God and to the fullest. One thing I will always remember that she told me was to stay close to God and love Him.
I'm going to leave you with one song that I think is most appropriate for this post. It is called God and Time by Newsong. While I will never understand it all or have my questions answered I do know that with God and time I will be alright again.
