Hello to all my blog readers. Thanks for stopping by. I have been having a hard time jumping back into blogging again after I unexpectedly took two weeks off. Today's post isn't going to be your usual devotional. I honestly haven't felt up to writing but didn't want to disappoint my readers.
Warning: This is a very honest and open emotional post.
To be honest, I have been struggling with jumping back into normal life again. My heart is broken and I have been feeling guilty, and wishing I would've done more with Nanna. Lately, I feel like I have been faking being happy and faking that everything is okay. It's hard for people to understand that I am feeling broken, hurt, upset and can't seem to bring myself to come back to reality. I mean life goes on and I know, but right now I just want people to understand that it's hard for me. My heart feels like its been shattered in a million pieces. Will I ever
feel like I use to? Kinda reminds me of the song I shared the other
day.
Yesterday at church I felt so guilty. I felt like a total fake. I felt like I was faking being a Christian. Everyone was asking how I was, and instead of telling them, I just said I'm hanging in there or doing okay. I smiled and acted like everything was fine because lots of people wouldn't understand. Truth is I'm far from being okay. In fact I am a mess inside. Now people mean well I know, but every once in a while it would be nice to have someone tell me I know this is hard. I know you are suffering. I'm here for you if you need something. Here's a hug for you.
Right now, I am needing understanding. I'm spending a lot of time with Jesus in prayer and through music. I'm starting to heal but it's going to take some time. God is with me I know and I know that I'm not alone through all of this. This doesn't mean that I don't want to do normal things again. I know that life has to go on but if I take it a little bit slower it's just because I have a lot to work through.
I want to leave this with you. Whatever you are going through it is better to be honest and tell the truth then to fake it. Even if people don't understand or get upset it is so much better to be yourself. I for one am going to try from now on to be myself all the time not just when it's convenient. If I can't be open and share how hurt or broken I am with the same people I share being happy with and they can't accept that then I'm okay with it. This is who I am and I want to be myself.
One quote that always sticks out to me is difficult times will always reveal your true friends. As sad as it sounds it is totally true. I'm so thankful for the friends and family that have stood by my side through the good times and the difficult ones as well.
Blessings,
Grace Mae
Grace Mae ~ I wish I had the right words, I can say that I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I lost my Grandma 3 days before Christmas this year. It really put a damper on the spirit of the season for me, and, like you, I faked my way through. I don’t think it is necessarily all bad to not tell everyone exactly how you feel, you see, when I “faked” my way through Christmas, I did it for my son and my husband. But I understand what you are saying about it not feeling “right.” Please take your time. Be patient and let the grief come. Crying helps me sometimes, but I have to be careful not to cry too much in front of the “wrong” people (children or people I don’t know well) because they may not understand the grief. I am here to help in any way I can! And I will include your need for comfort, healing, and strength in my daily prayers.
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